Monday, July 16, 2012

Snowy's Guide to Holding On to Your Man in a Zombie Apocalypse

Time was 'happily ever after' was a given. But in today's loopy world, a Princess needs to ensure her fairy tale ending.  Like, actually make decisions and take actions. I know. Brain freeze. Luckily for you, Snowy here has compiled a list of guidelines for holding on to your man in a Zombie Apocalypse.

Snowy's Guide to Holding On to Your Man in a Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Follow Instructions. Don't make him tell you to incinerate the carcass twice! Your life, and fairy tale wedding, is on the line.

2. Be Beautiful. Men are evolutionarily disposed to desire women with clear skin, big eyes, lustrous hair, and wide hips- signs of youthful fertility! Yet, if any of you ladies have experienced mass killings, starvation, sleep deprivation, and near rape, then you know about fly aways. My pores are clogged and I stink of feces. Not to mention my juicy bits are depleting fast. My beauty secret for the Z A- go with it! Rock the impoverished whore look. You have no other option. And after all, what Princess doesn't secretly want to get dirtay?

2. Be the Ultimate Hostess. Once established that they are not trying to kill you, welcome fellow survivors! These chance encounters are the perfect opportunity to show your love what kind of hostess you will be when finally living in your castle together. Even if all you have is one dead ferret, throw something near edible together and serve! Secretly invite flirtation from your new companion while outwardly seeming bothered by it. You won't often have the chance to ignite the fire of possessive jealousy, the secret to lasting love, in your Prince. Work it girls! You know how we do.

3. Maintain an Ere of Mystery. Keep him interested by not talking. Also men hate to listen to your thoughts because, dummy, he doesn't care about the dream you had last night that may have revealed latent Freudian attraction to your dead father. Duh.

4. Make the Other Girl Seem Crazy/ Controlling/ Ill-Intentioned/ Fatter Than You. If you happen to be cohabiting with his other, less attractive, man-handed woman, use every opportunity to show him how accommodating you are in comparison to her overt aggression. Playing the victim works well for me, as adorableness is my greatest gift, but know yourself! What persona will simultaneously make you seem more lovable and her a bitter hanger-on who would better serve as zombie feed??

5. Love. With your whole heart. Over look his polyamorous tendencies, emasculating penchant to cry at flesh wounds, and the nagging, suffocating realization that you'll never squeeze another man's loins. LOVE. Because otherwise, you're as good as undead.

~~ Until this is all over and we meet again in a beautiful castle to drink pretty drinks and not eat, good luck girls!~~

Monday, July 9, 2012

Hello world!
Snow White here. I want to tell you about the Law of Attraction! It's a philosophy that a mushroom eating fairy taught me and that I live by and believe in!!!

If you wish for something hard enough, and believe in it long enough, and sing into wishing wells, and do that thing with daisy petals... he love me he loves me not... and wear your undies inside out and backwards and fast once a month and say "thank you sun!" and clean your toe nails, eventually your dreams will become real!

All I ever wanted in the whole-wide fairy-kingdom was to be found by my Prince Charming. It is pretty much the only thought I've ever had in my entire life. That's why my eyes are so wide and clear!

And wouldn't you know it... it came true! My Prince Charming found me in a comatose state and leaped upon me! I'd always heard men desire unconscious women. Well, anyways, it was true love's kiss!  I woke from my slumber only to find myself in his loving, well-toned arms. I've never felt such tingling sensations all over my body. I wanted to do horribly vulgar things right away. That's how I knew it was true love and that all I'd ever wanted was mine!

So, alas, that burned out little creature was right! The Law of Attraction is real.

The only bad part was that also when I woke up it was a zombie apocalypse so now all my forest friends can not attend the wedding because they want to eat our faces. : /

I love you all and hope all your dreams come true minus the zombie apocalypse part because to be honest it's a horrendous existence.

Kisses and Hugs

Dear Prince...

Dear Prince,
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad. I missed you so bad. I missed you so, so bad. 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Dear Zombies,
You are so very dead. Can't you feel the breeze, or see the blue sky? If you're numb to pain, you are also numb to joy. Open your heart! See that love is ever abundant!
I see a light in you. Let your goodness come through. It is sadness that makes you mean. Did someone hurt your feelings?
Why do you want to eat me? Let me take care of you.  I will scrub your blood-stained body, fill your ever-hungry tummies, and sing you the sweetest songs to cover up the sounds of teeth on flesh just beyond these cabin walls. I will forgive you and never judge you. We'll start a new life, and you'll learn to walk in formation and whistle.
Yet, as I write this, I am sad. I fear we will never communicate fully and that when I see you I will have to squish your brains with an axe.
Yours(but not to eat),