Monday, July 16, 2012

Snowy's Guide to Holding On to Your Man in a Zombie Apocalypse

Time was 'happily ever after' was a given. But in today's loopy world, a Princess needs to ensure her fairy tale ending.  Like, actually make decisions and take actions. I know. Brain freeze. Luckily for you, Snowy here has compiled a list of guidelines for holding on to your man in a Zombie Apocalypse.

Snowy's Guide to Holding On to Your Man in a Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Follow Instructions. Don't make him tell you to incinerate the carcass twice! Your life, and fairy tale wedding, is on the line.

2. Be Beautiful. Men are evolutionarily disposed to desire women with clear skin, big eyes, lustrous hair, and wide hips- signs of youthful fertility! Yet, if any of you ladies have experienced mass killings, starvation, sleep deprivation, and near rape, then you know about fly aways. My pores are clogged and I stink of feces. Not to mention my juicy bits are depleting fast. My beauty secret for the Z A- go with it! Rock the impoverished whore look. You have no other option. And after all, what Princess doesn't secretly want to get dirtay?

2. Be the Ultimate Hostess. Once established that they are not trying to kill you, welcome fellow survivors! These chance encounters are the perfect opportunity to show your love what kind of hostess you will be when finally living in your castle together. Even if all you have is one dead ferret, throw something near edible together and serve! Secretly invite flirtation from your new companion while outwardly seeming bothered by it. You won't often have the chance to ignite the fire of possessive jealousy, the secret to lasting love, in your Prince. Work it girls! You know how we do.

3. Maintain an Ere of Mystery. Keep him interested by not talking. Also men hate to listen to your thoughts because, dummy, he doesn't care about the dream you had last night that may have revealed latent Freudian attraction to your dead father. Duh.

4. Make the Other Girl Seem Crazy/ Controlling/ Ill-Intentioned/ Fatter Than You. If you happen to be cohabiting with his other, less attractive, man-handed woman, use every opportunity to show him how accommodating you are in comparison to her overt aggression. Playing the victim works well for me, as adorableness is my greatest gift, but know yourself! What persona will simultaneously make you seem more lovable and her a bitter hanger-on who would better serve as zombie feed??

5. Love. With your whole heart. Over look his polyamorous tendencies, emasculating penchant to cry at flesh wounds, and the nagging, suffocating realization that you'll never squeeze another man's loins. LOVE. Because otherwise, you're as good as undead.

~~ Until this is all over and we meet again in a beautiful castle to drink pretty drinks and not eat, good luck girls!~~

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